Lessons from the yonder

Here we meet again in our past
Where time had stood still
A heartache that never heals
Shouting silent prayers in the void
Seeking in the shadows and voices
An image, a song to get me going.

Polished shoes and junior chemistry class
Lessons taught best when not in school
Warm hands that had comforted me
Harsh words that still echo inside

Between then and now
I am losing a part of me
While I walk through the years without you.
Around the hearth,
We sat to relive your memories
Biding time to do its healing.

The Way Home

Cuss, swear, shout and nice smile
Mr. Autowallah wants a little too much for a mile
Can’t give him what he asks and sign away my bargaining power

Next comes the pumpy ride,
Always something to see between the sasses
I miss nothing behind my powerful glasses.
Scowling faces
Mercs and Nanos fight for their spaces
Between them are the people
Huffing and pushing their way like a popple
Big man, small man, the world is your john
Just don’t stay on

Tomorrow will be just a repeat
With a new story to tell
And may be a little more.

Page from the diary: Seeing the bright side

Nothing extra ordinary. I am trying to look at the bright side here. The problem is: it is dark. Very dark. No electricity. Nothing new here too. It is 2:40 in the morning and I can hear the roosters. Never mind the roosters. The question is why should I be staying awake when the whole world is sleeping? Adjusting to Mr. Electricity playing spoilsport. I was told he was haunted by Light. Some-good-for-nothing-Big-wise guys sitting on big rolling chairs play ‘roll my arse’ with their legs tangling in the air and happily use up my river to light up their house. Big dams consume our land. They said this was to light up our homes. The problem is they are all in the water.

And mother thinks the government is very generous every time the electricity lights up for 2 seconds. At least, she can see her children in the light. Every time the electricity passes through our homes, you can hear the shouts of jubilation. The rushing of feet to put on the boob tube. Kids fight for their favourite TV shows. The local movie library does brisk business. It is amazing how we get adjusted to the timing of electricity. We just have to do whatever that needs to be done with power when there is power.

And then, there is the music. The neighbourhood music box rapping and screaming at 5 in the morning or 10 in the evening. Otherwise, it would never get used.

Make hay while the sun shines is the theme. Recharge your batteries, inverters, cell phones, lamps, press your clothes, enjoy your ice cream, the fridge is on. [It actually reminds me of the days before water supply came inside our homes, when we have to fetch water from public supply. We had to fill up each and every available container. Ah, the satisfaction that we got out of filling them up! Bliss.]

Candle lit dinner has nothing to do with romance or courtship. But, again, may be, it is! Mr. E leaves us and we go back to sitting around the fire pots, sharing stories, laughter, kids do their home works in front of candle light. And here I am typing away my battery. It says 14% remaining. Let me get some sleep before the neighbourhood wakes me up with their music. I just hope it is not hip hop! November/2009

The die has been cast

Look at us, there is nothing left.
We could have taken another route
But we would still end up here
Our reality, a chemical fried journey
To the fairyland that exists only in our mind.
Our body scarred by choice,
Or was it forced unto us?
Disowned and forgotten,
I tried to go back
But I was told I did not belong in their world
So I chose to sit here and take another trip
With that little piece of whatever running through my blood.
The good preacher came looking for me to save me from sin
But, he left. He could not stand the stench.
The social worker vowed to save me
I guess she got tired waiting for me to wake up.
They found me this morning.
Lifeless. "Just another loser", they said.
I made my choice.

Colour of a survival

I heard him calling out with innocence
That comes only from a child
There was happiness in his voice
For once, I wished the dream would stay forever
Just a moment longer.

We are what we are, molded by circumstances
That we tried so hard to forget
The past is always there in the dark corners
To remind us of our lost
Coming when we least expect.

To make it a little better for him
I search for sweetness
To make it easier for me to survive
I paint a world in my imagination
Myriad colours of joy, happiness and laughter.

The Heart Cries

I walked in the cold street alone

Taking comfort in the glow of the street lights

I told myself that this would pass with time

And desperately wait for the healing to come

I lost myself in hazy grays

A drug induced trance

I thought I was saved then

And waited for rapture to take me home

The world was an existence forgotten

For a hair’s-breathe, I was happy

But the heart cries.

The morning sunshine slipped through the blinds

The rays became the shadows in the darkness

I turned around toward the light

To find my fantasy looking at me

A beautiful day, it said

I could have cried then

But I shut out the world that waited outside

And for a brief moment of time

I pretended that I was home

Smiling to a face that would not be there tomorrow

And the heart cries.

I looked back to the past

Where everything was filled with innocent bliss

The time has turned, since then

And I am here fighting a battle without no end

I lose whether I come out victorious or defeated

There has to be an escape door to get out of this emptiness

The pain known only to the heart

I am waiting for time to heal me

To forget a dream that became too real

To keep looking for the sunshine

And the heart still cries.

A confused dyslexic

I woke up in reverse
Hazy senses
Everything looks the same
The difference seen only in the written rules.

I look for a way out,
To escape the storm within.
I struggle to solve the jumble in my mind
A game of wrestle between chaos and disorder
The match point decided by pandemonium.

I failed to read between the lines,
Simple sentences to disguise the intricacy within.
In the broad daylight,
I am confounded by what I have written,
Nothing but jangle of an insomniac inventions.

A shout from the abyss

Between the living and the death,
She is fighting her demons.
Swallowed by darkness,
She is there waiting for infinity to take her.

Her shout is an echo from the past,
Chosen to be forgotten by her own.
Torn and broken,
She is too far gone to realise her existence
And it is just a matter of time
Before a miss step will take her to the edge.

She is a scavenger,
Seen only in the shadow of the night.
Her scream lost in the abyss
Forever unheard.

Elements

I danced with the storm and shouted with the thunder
I cried with the rain and laughed with the wind

I felt the breeze caressing my face with love
And I whispered my thanks to her.

I sang along with the rolling river,
My voice lost in the scream of the rushing water

I told the trees my life story
And he told me everything would be fine.

With the roaring fire I shared the coldness within me
And it gave me back its warmth in return

The cold tells me to value what I have
For nothing last forever.

Each drop of water reminds me of life given
Each breath of air, the fragility of life

I am with them and they are with me.

The home coming

She sits there in the darkness
Waiting for her husband's return

She feigns sleep, lest her mother chides her
Waiting for her father's return

She paces the floors looking at the clock on the wall
Waiting for her son's return

Out there under the moonlight
As the breeze blow
The leaves brush with each other
Whispering to each other of the man
Who lays on the ground
Devoid of life.

Lessons

Read me your stories
And tell me your dreams
Let me see through your eyes
Mold me in your vision
Lead me astray
Strip me naked,
And take away my conscience
I would not be needing it.

Let me breathe the air that you breathe
And drink from the same cup as you are
Pour your thoughts into me
And make them mine
I will be the means to your greed
Mindless and unselfish
Chain me to your words
And change me just as you are!

Questions and Rebellion

How many more nights do I have to spend fighting Anger?

How many more days do I wait to feel safe?

How long will it take before justice is done?

Should I vanquish alone in this hell hole waiting for my day of revenge?

Should I keep crying for the lost that is never coming back?

Should I keep away the tears and smile?

Where do I find trust where everyone is a bounty hunter?

Where is victory when I take it away from another?

What is freedom when my mind is controlled by another?

What is the line between reality and truth?

Why should I wait for my turn when I may never see it?

Who is guilty and who is wrong?

Will I ever get the answers?

Let me out before I get drown in despair

Open the doors for me

Set me free and I will find my anwers.

I am bound by a world of lies and manic greed

I am fighting a battle within me

Between desperation and anger.

Like cancer the bitterness is spreading inside me

I look for relief in darkness

I stay awake looking at shadows

I wait for the first ray of dawn

I look for tranquility that I felt in my father's embrace

I am looking for comfort that I will never find.

The making of a fashionista

The making of a fashionista

That little spot of yours, nice and pretty

A little pull here,

A little scratch there,

Stretch it up and show it off,

Pale and flashy in black tights!

Coloured it black and hide it

Under that flimsy Little thing

And make it look nice

Now jump, twirl and spin

Keep moving.

No one will ever know

That underneath the Little thing

Lies the black spot of a marker pen

An invention of a ‘fashionista’

The knight in dull armour

Here comes my knight
Wearing tatters,
Short and fair
With a thick wallet
Filled with business cards
That has come to nothing.
Not your usual tall, dark, handsome and rich guy
But he will do as long as he makes the bed,
Wash the dishes and cooks for me.
That's my man!

Abandoned

In this prison, I cry for the ground to devour me
My heart is broken,
My dreams are nothing but a nightmare.
With crippled hope, I have been left in this darkness.

Hear my cry, comfort me with your arms.
Do not turn away from me.
We have seen each other bled,
We have shared a morsel to keep the hunger away,
We have walked together
The same path which you are so desperate to cover.

Put away this agony,

Take my breathe with you when you go
And let me sleep in silence.

For there is no spirit left in me.

Drunken Sobriety II

In the smoke filled claustral room,
With the music floating through the noise.
Spirited wisdoms flowed.
We saved the world from a nuclear pogrom,
And made way for another one.

Heated discussions on world politics
Assailed the Enemy nation for being a friend!
Opinions given and not taken,
We drank away the night.

With morning comes the enlightenment,
Hangover and lost.
My queasy mind refuses to give names to my friends,
I had sat down with

They are just an echo banging inside the head.

They Came in the Night

They came for him in the night,
Like thieves in the dark,
Afraid to show their deeds.
They took him away,

Guns waving in the air,
Through the night they tortured him
And left him for death in his blood.

In the cold dawn,
He was brought home,

With little breath left in him,
His body covered with wounds.

They took his body

But could not rob him of his spirit
And he kept going for truth and justice.

My Birth That Was Not Me

Whose ideas are you living?
Whose life are you trying to build
Or to destroy?
You rob me of my thoughts,
You took away my story
To give me another beginning.
To silence me.

You have devastated my land and left it deformed.
You raped my mothers and sisters
You took away my fathers and brothers
I am left with pain and hatred
For my birth that was not me.

I have forgotten that I have a story to tell:
Of my rich inheritance
Of beautiful hills and clear streams
Of love and hope

Of my people.

Drunken Sobriety

In my drunken sobriety,
I celebrate my world.
The trees and street lights laugh with me
As I go along with my soliloquy.

A toast to the emptiness!
I seek comfort in the bottles,
Wishing away the memories,
For a moment of numbed joy.

The apparitions became my reality,
Yet, surreal in my blurry reflection.
And between the chimerical visions
I look for sanity
That remains beyond me,
In my drunken sobriety.

A goodbye

I am here writing because this seems the only way to let out…I don’t even know what is there to let out. I can only think of the people who I knew, the faces that I am not going to see anymore. The voices I am not going to hear. I am between reality and memories right now. And I am hoping that everything I hear in the past few hours was a nightmare, a bad dream that goes away when I wake up. But, my wandering mind is also telling me that a short phone call was real.

I dreaded opening my mail box. I was afraid of what I am going to find. But, I did.

I visited Ungshungmi's profile at Facebook, I read the messages and I remember someone with a wry sense of humor. I cried for a friend whom I wished I had known better. We learn what we have lost only when it is gone. Looking back it appears like a omen... his latest posts were all about taking rest, retiring...even his profile photo. I just hope he is resting well now.

Remembering his family and friends in my prayers. Rest in peace, Ameiungshungmi.